feel so small

Happy MLK Day.





When I look at pictures of my family
I cannot help but hold my head up high
But then the fact that self-doubt keeps on nagging me
Holds me back and it makes me wonder why

If it wasn’t for my loved ones I would see no hope at all
Cos I feel so small

When I read back over human history
I cannot help but be amazed
But then the fact that much is still a mystery
Holds me back and has me counting down my days

I’d gladly sell my soul if I had space to set my stall
And I feel so small

Maybe this is the real meaning of loneliness
And the way I feel isn’t crazy after all
For it doesn’t make much sense that everyone can stand so tall
While I feel so small

When I read the U.S. Constitution
I cannot help but feel a glow inside
But then the fact that it ends at its own frontiers
Holds me back and puts shackles on my pride

The concept of united we stand and divided we fall
Makes me feel so small

Maybe this is the real meaning of loneliness
And the way I feel isn’t crazy after all
For it doesn’t make much sense that everyone can stand so tall
While I feel so small

Like a lion roaring inside a cage
I feel so small
Like a writer staring at an empty page
I feel so small
Like a reverend dreaming of a brighter day
I feel so small
Like a hunted fox as it’s running away
I feel so small
Like a blind man trying to find his way alone
I feel so small
Like the lonely sound of a single saxophone
I feel so small

But if we all feel small
Then why feel small at all?


© JL Pagano 1992, 2005

click here for a full index of my poetry and song lyrics

buckpassing

This is for my beautiful daughter, who was born 17 years ago today.  I wrote it shortly before she was conceived, though don't feel that much differently today! ;-)

As sure as darkness can be full of many dangers
As sure as little children shouldn’t talk to strangers
As sure as night follows day you’ll ask me the question
As sure as Mother Nature cannot be predicted
As sure as one to nicotine can be addicted
I’m sure I can safely say you’ll ask me the question

“Daddy, what’s really going on?”

Well, I could give you a bible and tell you to read
I could give you commandments and tell you to heed
But could I honestly say they’d answer your question?

Ask me how,
I’ll show you ways in which you can proceed
Ask me where
I’ll show you places you will not believe
Ask me any of the above and I’ll gladly reply
There’s just one thing though
Don’t ask me why

Now if you wonder why I question my ability
My train of thought it’s greatly lacking in mobility
In fact, when it comes to this, it’s stuck at the station
I asked the conductor what on earth the whole delay was for
He just laughed and said “Stop using stupid metaphors!
You can dodge all you like but they’ll still ask the question!”

“Daddy, what’s really going on?”

Ask me how, ask me where,

Ask me which,
I’ll help you choose the one that serves you well
Ask me what,
I’ll give you things to use for show-and-tell
But with one small request I cannot comply
You get the picture
Don’t ask me why

See in my soul, there’s a void
That I can’t avoid any longer
Whenever I try another year goes by
And the feelings can’t get any stronger
So when you ask me why I’ll sing this lullaby
In the hope that one day you’ll see
I’ll always learn more from you
Than you could ever learn from me

Ask me how, ask me where, ask me which, ask me what,

Ask me when,
I’ll take you all the way through history
Ask me whodunit,
And I’ll help you solve the mystery
But if it’s reasons you seek then don’t even try
I sure can’t help you
Don’t ask me why

© JL Pagano 1994

click here for a full index of my poetry and song lyrics

A few thoughts on today's vote

What with my rugby site doing well and all, I rarely post here these days.  But as the title suggests, I do have some thoughts.

First of all, the Presidential campaign has been one unlike any other political process I've seen on this island in the 20 years I have been living here.  That's mostly because it's a national poll for individual candidates, an unusual entity despite the jurisdiction having such a small electorate.

What has interested me most throughout the campaign has been the way it is abundantly clear that the Irish media want Michael D Higgins to be in Aras an Uachtarain.  At first, when their "eye of Mordor" appeared to be fixated on David Norris, I thought it was due to an inherent homophobia in Irish society.  Bascially I thought the country just "wasn't ready for a gay president".

While I still feel that is the case, the subsequent picking off one by one of the other candidates, without any real focus placed on Higgins.  Now let me be clear - he was always my preferred candidate, but what I'm saying is, if Norris was hounded to publish some letters, McGuinness to prove he wasn't in the IRA, Dana to prove she actually wants to be Irish, Gallagher to prove he's not your typical bent property developer, why hasn't Michael D been asked to show, oh I don't know, some kind of medical proof that he can last the full 14 years as President?

Yet still I will vote for him today.  As was the case before the hounding began.

Then there are the referendums.  On social media at least there is much, much fear mongering being spread about them, particularly the one about the Oireachtas powers.

I'm not saying there isn't a possibility that the amendment as written could give our elected representatives more power than perhaps they should have.  But what I AM saying is this...the wording was published AGES ago.  Why is the fear-mongering only being spread now?  Where was all the doubt back when the referendum was first proposed?

I mean...we're meant to have our doubts as to the intentions of the government.  Maybe they'll have too much power.  Fine.  But while we're on the subject of paranoia, how about the agenda of those waiting until the last minute to persuade us to say No by filling us with doubt?

In science, it's almost impossible to prove a negative.  However in Irish referendums, it's extremely easy to produce one if it suits you.  That is what history has taught me, anyway.

That's not to say this wording is perfect.  But for what little legal knowledge that I have, I would have thought the words "with due regard to the principles of fair procedures" provide plenty of wiggle room for legal teams who wish to challenge anything these new bodies will bring to the table.

In other words, just wait until the first property developer and/or banker is called to appear before an Oireachtas committee should a Yes vote happen.  Methinks the committee's power won't be quite as "absolute" as some would suggest.

But the process would certainly take a hell of a lot less time and public money than a toothless tribunal would, that's for sure.

© JL Pagano 2011

Dana-inspired Ditty

 

Businessmen, and talk show hosts,
Politicians too
Champions of childrens rights
And those who killed a few
Get councils four
or TDs score
To set you on your course,
And all kinds of anyone, can run for the Áras

© JL Pagano 2011

my month of remembrance

Hard to believe it is almost five years since this post was written!  Worth a re-post methinks. 


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Please forgive me for this post – it is not my wish to bring anyone down, it’s just that I want to continue my blogging hobby and I don’t want to do so while pretending nothing has happened over the past week.

I suppose it would be wise to inform those who may not know that my grandparents brought me up as their son.


The month of August, particularly the end of it, will always be one of remembrance for my family.

August 20th, 1936



My grandparents are married in Nashua, New Hampshire.

August 21st, 1913

My grandfather is born.

August 22nd, 2004

I propose to Sandra.

August 24th, 1977

My grandparents and I say our last farewells to most of our friends as we make final preparations to emigrate from the Bay Area of California all the way to Ireland.

August 26th, 2006



On the happiest day of my life, Sandra and I are married in front of friends and most of my family.

August 27th, 2004

My grandfather passes away peacefully in his sleep at the age of 91.

August 28th, 2002



My grandmother writes the above note and leaves it by her bedside. Please note the impeccable penmanship for (at the time) a 93-year old lady.

August 29th, 1992

I married my first wife.

August 30th, 2006

That same first wife, the only other person* I had in Ireland to be a contact person for my grandmother’s nursing home, has the unenviable task of calling me while on my honeymoon in New York to tell me she had deteriorated much over the previous 24 hours, and that we should change our flights if I wanted to be with her at the end.

August 31st, 2006

My grandmother passed away quiety and painlessly at the grand age of 97. We successfully changed our flights, but touched down 45 minutes before she was gone, so we did not quite make it to her bedside. At the very least, she was not unattended.

The funeral was yesterday. As much as my grandparents both loved me and were proud to carry out the challenge of bringing me up, because of the generation gap, it could be said that they never properly understood me, and of course vice versa. For me, the silver lining of recent events is that I know now they both understand me perfectly, and will watch over me and my family for the rest of our own days on this earth.

May they both rest in peace.


* = I must note that Sandra’s immediate family would have been more than willing to be available for my grandmother, but we felt it best to ask MyX because hers was a face that would be recognized more readily, plus she is mother to her two great-grandchildren.

© JL Pagano 2006